What's a sexy listener like you doing in a dirty mind like mine? You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy. Somebody needs to write "EXPLOSIVE" on you coz you're the bomb! Someone needs to write "HUMPY" on you because... because you're a camel. On Radio Lomrange today, we have a hippo who can't talk, a bobcat that can't do calculus, and a tiger who's never been to the moon. Coming up first though, How To Nail a Jelly to a Walnut. [Sound effects: something from the Nutcracker Suite.] Step one. Grasp the walnut firmly 'twixt thumb and forefinger. Step two. A short overnighter in Vladivostok with the young lady that you met in the bank yesterday might not go amiss. Eh? Eh? Step three. If you're still holding the walnut, let it go already. LET IT GO. But, dear listener, we're not *all* practical advice here on Radio Lomrange. Oh no. We can also keep up with current events. With that in mind, here's the latest news from The World of Entertainment. [Effects: spoken moderately fast and scathingly:] Seven hundred years ago a robot on Mars called Zork felt a pain in its robotic abdomen which turned out to be a terrible infection that it had caught from the local robot brothel in the foothills surrounding Olympus Mons. The infection spread and Zork exploded, rupturing transistors, resistors, cogs and chips into outer space. One of these infected pieces of Martian cank is Adam Sandler. We hate Adam Sandler. Fuck you, Adam Sandler. That was The World of Entertainment. But what about the world of politics? Well... here are some things that Politicians are Not. Richard Nixon is not a crook. Angela Merkel is not going to let Bush give her a shoulder rub. David Milliband is not old enough to buy fags. Larry Craig is not left-wing enough to buy fags. John Redwood is not a man. Margaret Thatcher is not a human. George W. Bush is not going to let himself be impeached for his copious and evil war crimes. Bill Clinton is not a very good liar. Dick Cheney is not a very good shot. Tony Blair is not a very good shag. And now it's time for Public Dick. Public Dick is a detective by day and a flasher by night, and he gets into all kinds of hilarious scrapes. This week on Public Dick, Dick has to solve the mysterious case of the ridiculous Englishman. [Public Dick theme music.] Public Dick was sitting at his office desk, as proud as a pyramid, when--suddenly!--a man burst in through the door, ranting and raving in a language that Public Dick could only assume was British English. "Oh, he doffed me right in the penis didn't he, tiddly squit! Orf, blimey, wot a lolligagger. Hairs on a bobbin dear chap, eh what?", the raving man said. "Calm down", replied Public Dick, adding, in his best kindly-English accent, "you're going to wrinkle your plonker". Public Dick took the man in and saw from his good looks and bad teeth that he was indeed clearly an Englishman. Dick fed the man tea until he calmed down. "Oi thanks mate, notarf, innit?", said the man. "I thought me cock linnet was squdgeouned, if you know what I mean." Public Dick did not know what the man meaned. Public Dick did not even know where England was on a map, but he was pretty sure that they weren't as good at football as they keep saying--there are no English players in the NFL after all. "Look mate, here's the ipso facto. Some blinking twazzock's gone an' nicked me elevensies. But the funniest thing was he 'ad the shinest knobend I ever seen, innit? Stark bollock naked 'e was, cock a-go-go." It was then that the whole case came together in Public Dick's mind. It was Dick who had stolen the man's elevensies. He had meant no malice, of course, he merely had not known what elevensies are, and took them from the man out of pity believing that the man would be better off without them. But Public Dick knew just what to do. He slowly unzipped, and, to both admit his guilt and show a measure of conciliatory reparation, thrust his by now rampant masculinity at the ridiculous Englishman. "Oh farkin ell, you're the bloomin pervy tosser who nicked me nosh ain't ya! Can't stand this flippin cesspit, mate, I'm off back to jolly old Britannia", said the Englishman, and ran out the door. Public Dick didn't know for sure what the fucked up English dude was talking about, but he was quite sure that he had set his mind at ease and that they were now the best of friends. Perhaps they two would meet again in future? Public Dick stroked his mighty gesticulatory dong whilst ruminating on the possibilities of relieving someone of their twelvesies (did such a thing exist?) in the happy days to come. [Public Dick theme music.] That's it for Radio Lomrange today. We hope you enjoyed the show, and be sure to tune in next week when our topic will be love on the high seas. We should note that contrary to what we said at the beginning of our show, John Redwood the politician has in fact been confirmed to be a man. [a beat] Just not much of one.